Oh, hells, yeah!
- T-shirt's partying! - Yeah, T-shirt!
Yeah!
To prove there's no smoke and mirrors, let's try it again with my penis.
I didn't take my pants off or anything, did I?
- Whipped! - Whipped!
Oh, shit, look at that.
- No, no, no. - Oh, yeah.
Good night!
What you're about to see is nothing short of a miracle.
Television so revolutionary that at this point, there is nothing else like it anywhere.
Now, you may ask yourself, how is this possible?
Computers, that's how.
Funny or Die is at the forefront of computer technology...
...leading the way in computer comedy programming.
Tonight marks a departure from our usual business model...
...as we join the ever-declining world of broadcast television.
Think of what you're about to see as a kind of network unto itself.
A half-hour network complete with its own lineup of wonderful shows.
Basically the same kind of horseshit we throw up on the website.
HBO has graciously given us a home...
...which means from time to time you may hear the word "fuck."
I don't know why, maybe because as a society...
...we've lost our moral compass.
I hope a few dirty words won't stop you from watching tonight's program.
There's even a chance, quite small of course...
...that you may like it.
Tonight, on the Funny or Die Network:
A sketch show from Derek Waters...
..."Playground Politics"...
... the first installment of "Designated Driver"...
... with Rob Riggle and Paul Scheer...
... and "Space Baby."
- You feeling it yet? - Yeah.
It just kicked in.
Ecstasy is the best.
Get ready to love everything.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, sweetheart.
I'm not in love with you anymore.
I'm sorry, buddy. Are you okay?
Yeah, I am.
- Is that weird? - No.
It means it's working.
Awesome.
- Let's go to the planetarium. - Yeah.
How you feeling now?
Kind of horny!
Hey, how are you feeling now?
Still feeling good.
You look good.
Check, please.
Today we're gonna talk about Frederick Douglass.
The Union was falling apart, the South was seceding.
It was a very young country.
Frederick Douglass was an abolitionist...
... and he believed it is morally wrong to have slavery.
And people were like, "Hey, Lincoln.
This guy's talking a good game. Meet with him. "
And Lincoln wasn't a douche bag.
He's like, "Okay, I'll meet with him."
Frederick Douglass comes to the White House.
Senator Pomeroy was like:
"Abraham Lincoln, let me introduce you to Frederick Douglass...
... a black former slave...
... a good black man who has some speeches.
He would like to talk to you.
I'm not being prejudice. I just... Well, he's black.
I'd like to let you know. "
And he was asking...
He was asking Frederick Douglass:
" What do I do about slavery?
What do I do about the black population?"
And Frederick Douglass comes over to him, he's like:
" Well, okay. Abraham Lincoln, I am Frederick Douglass.
I am a former slave who... "
And he's like, "I get it.
I know. I know who you are. It's been explained to me.
I've been following your career forever.
Be quiet, I'm into it. And let's talk. "
I will do more about him, but I will lay down.
My legs are showing.
I wanted to lose weight before this.
Wait, don't show, it's too white.
- I wanna lay down and have a drink. - Do you want a blanket?
No, you know what I'm gonna do?
Frederick Douglass, he's like:
" Guess what, Abraham Lincoln.
I have to tell you three things: Blacks should fight in the war.
Two.
Black soldiers who do fight in the war should get equal pay as whites.
Three. If they're prisoners of war...
... don't fucking kill them. "
And Lincoln's like, "Yeah, I think we can do this.
But I just wanna let you know...
... that I'm just into preserving the Union. "
But the thing about... About...
About...
About Richard Dreyfuss...
What is his name?
- Frederick. - Frederick Douglass.
I knew it was something similar.
The thing about Frederick Douglass...
... they were good friends.
And he... And Frederick Douglass remained an advisor...
... to President Clinton for years.
And word gets back to him, like:
"Abraham Lincoln is dead."
Why do I feel like my...? I didn't take my pants off or anything, did I?
- No. - Because I feel like I don't have pants on.
Because I'm in a dress.
But there was a moment where I took my pants off. Okay, good.
A couple years later, they're in Washington D.C.
And they're like, "All right.
It's the Lincoln Emancipation Memorial. "
Then someone says, "Hey, Frederick Douglass is in the audience.
He should speak. " He's an orator, I mean this is his livelihood.
And he gets up. So he did that for a while. He did a good job.
Then l... Would go on and do a good job...
Wait, and that is different than that.
He says, "I gotta be honest with you guys.
Abraham Lincoln was a white man's president. "
Mary Todd Lincoln, Abraham's wife, is there.
And she was there when he got his head blown off in the theater...
... so she's a badass. But it doesn't mean she's immune to feelings.
She's there.
So he says, "We had different views on slavery.
We had different views on the Emancipation Proclamation.
We had different views on the war.
But he's a great guy and I respect him because he listened.
Even if he knew he couldn't fulfill my wishes...
... he brought me in and he fucking listened.
Nobody does that. "
Mary Todd Lincoln comes up to him and goes:
"He would have fucking loved that.
That is exactly his style. "
And she goes, "Douglass, come here.
I have something for you. "
Oh, now my head is shutting asleep.
Mary Todd said, "I want you to have...
... Abe's walking stick.
His favorite walking stick. "
That was, like, " Thank you much for the walking stick.
And I'm gonna do my best to preserve the honor of it.
And I just take it more of a symbol...
... as a friendship between you, me and your husband. "
And then he died a few months later.
Doing what he loves, sticking up for ladies.
And you can't fault him for that.
Did I need to do a more story about them?
I have a mental illness.
But I don't. He's the father of the civil rights.
I can't believe Derek, man. We should be at the Ravens game right now.
This is so pathetic. Samantha's got him so whipped.
Whipped!
Samantha was the love of my life.
She left us way too soon.
- Whipped! - Whipped!
We designed this saw to be the safest table saw ever built.
The mechanism is sophisticated, but the technology behind it...
...it's quite simple.
It's the perfect marriage of modern engineering and old-fashioned ingenuity...
... which is always reliable. The blade carries a small electrical charge.
When human contact is made, the body absorbs the current...
... and triggers a tiny mouse living inside the saw's gearbox.
A robotic arm pushes a piece of cheese in front of the mouse...
... which causes him to run on the wheel.
When the wheel spins, it engages the brake, instantly stopping the saw.
So when the wheel is spinning, the SafetySaw is working.
Let's demonstrate how safe this is.
This is a real hot dog.
As you can see, not a mark on it.
To prove there's no smoke and mirrors, let's try it again with my penis.
Call the medic!
Stop the mouse, he's got my fucking dick!
He thinks it's a hot dog!
Call the fucking medic!
SafetySaw, now $ 10 off!
Buffett was awesome tonight.
- Margaritaville, baby! - Oh, Margaritaville.
The greatest night of my life!
Oh, yeah. My wife, my life.
- My wife, my life. - My life.
What's up, people? Come on, it's 5:00 somewhere...
...am I right? Polly want a boner.
Oh, dude, bros.
Check out that Parrot Head T-shirt rocking to Buffett, man.
- Yeah! - That's awesome.
Yeah, baby!
Oh, hells, yeah!
- T-shirt's partying! - Yeah, T-shirt!
Yeah! Just like that, baby.
Hey, I wonder if T-shirt likes to party.
- T-shirt likes to fucking party! - Oh, shit.
He says this place is like a sausage factory.
There's plenty of hot chicks at the bar.
You got it, four titty dick bangers.
Yeah, this... This dude's getting wasted.
- Man, I fucking love T-shirt! - Me too.
You're cute.
Oh, really?
T-shirt's got a girlfriend.
Nice. I like!
You guys.
- I'm gonna put on Buffett. - Oh, my dream girl.
Oh, yeah.
Sweet.
T-shirt, let's have some shots of Urine Ice.
Dude, let's get those dreadlock hats tomorrow.
Yeah, I can't get enough of it. Keep playing it.
Oh, baby, Jamaican me crazy!
Okay, you guys? Seriously?
To Parrot Heads.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
- Raise the roof, motherfuckers. - Another margarita, baby.
Yeah.
Oh, T-shirt.
Where are we going?
T-shirt.
T-shirt, I feel funny.
Oh, T-shirt. You're gonna be such a good daddy.
Hello?
Oh, my God, what the fuck?
Wait. What's that, T-shirt?
Your girlfriend's passed out from the smoke?
Good work, T-shirt. Let's get her out of here. Come on.
T-shirt, because you risked your life to save another...
...we're making you an honorary member...
...of the Margaritaville Fire Department.
You're the real hero.
T- shirt! T-shirt!
Tomorrow, Cabo Wabo.
I'm bored.
Me too. I'm sick of all my toys.
Why don't you try playing with Mattel's Prius racing set?
- Awesome! - Cool.
With over 16 feet of track...
- ... and two responsible hybrids! - Go!
Who needs the deafening roar of a nitro-burning racing engine...
... when you can have the polite hum of a regenerative electric drive-train?
- I'm getting 62 miles per gallon. - Awesome!
Between each lap, remember to pull over and recharge your car...
... so you can finish the race.
- The track is completely biodegradable. - Awesome!
No carbon footprint!
I'm having fun and I feel good about myself.
Fully charged, you're back in the race. Before you take on the loop...
... you need to recharge one more time.
"Playground Politics."
Africa.
- America, I'm hungry. - Sorry to hear it.
Can we have some food?
Not for free, you can't. You have any...
...natural resources we might be interested in?
What's a natural resource? Like trees and grass?
No, like gold, diamonds, oil.
Oh, yeah. Tons of it.
- IMF, get over here. - What can I do for you?
Africa, this is the International Monetary Fund.
They're gonna give you tons of food and money.
Hi.
You guys are so nice.
When do you want us to pay you back?
Honestly, your interest is gonna be more than your GDP...
...so you're never really gonna be able to pay it back.
America, thank you for this food.
Tell you what.
If you have any companies that want our resources...
...we'd love to have them. - Sweet.
Exxon, De Beers and Newmont are already on their way.
I love this candy.
Pick up the goddamn phone!
Pick up, pick up! Pick up, pick up, pick up!
Pick up! Come on, man, pick up, pick up!
Pick up! Pick up!
Pick up, pick up, pick up!
Hey. What's going on? I just... I just walked in.
Bullshit. You're probably taking one of your fag baths.
- No, I was out. - Whatever, dude. You're pathetic, man.
It's, like, 9:30.
Fuck you, Eddie!
Man, I am fucking drunk!
You gotta come pick my ass up.
- Why can't you call a cab? - Fuck that, dude, come on!
You don't have a choice in the matter, all right?
You gotta pick me up, man. If I call you, it's like the law.
You gotta be my designated driver.
- Give me a minute, I have to get clothes... - Oh, shit!
I knew it, you bath-taking motherfucker!
How clean can one man be? Jesus Christ, you probably got a bar of soap...
... wedged up your fucking asshole right now anyway.
- All right. - Take your ball sack, get down here...
- ... and pick me up at Tap Master! - Good talking to you. I'll...
Tap Masters!
Oh, shit.
Okay, I guess we're taking it up a notch, huh?
Hi, Matilda. Are you thirsty?
I know, a little late-night drink. Be good, okay?
I welcome the debate on single-payer health care. Privatized health care is killing people.
- Your files are being opened. - Tell me about it.
They're sure as hell gonna find some obscure event that happened.
Shit!
- Hey! - I stole them!
- I fucking stole them, man. - Hey, what's going on...?
- Go! Go, motherfucker, go! - All right.
Go! Shit, go, go. We gotta go!
- All right, all right. Okay. - Yeah!
Oh, shit, I almost died in there, dude.
- That was crazy. - Hey, what the fuck are we listening to?
Oh, her name is Leslie Stubbs...
...and she takes calls. It's like a liberal kind of a talk show.
Oh, God.
I guess, yeah, it was get...
There we go. Now listen to that. That's a party song.
- All right. - That's what I'm talking about. Right there.
Yeah. Somebody's getting laid tonight.
Classic rock, right?
I almost threw up.
I just don't normally have people smoke in my car.
You know what we ought to do?
Let's get some groceries, and we'll cook up some food...
...and we'll get some girls to come over. We'll make them burritos.
- You know what I mean? - No, I don't.
My dick's hard when I sleep. I sleep with a boner.
I'm ready to go. Someone could jump on me...
...fuck me, not even wake me up. Fuck, doughnuts. Right there.
Doughnuts. Barry, Barry, pull over.
- Pull over, I want doughnuts. - Not gonna stop.
Jesus Christ, Barry!
I'm weak with hunger, you son of a bitch!
Goddamn it, just pull around.
Do me a favor one time in your life. One time...
...do me a favor and shoot a hot fucking U-ie!
- Are you sure you don't want anything? - Yeah, just hurry up.
Well, can you loan me 5 bucks, man? I need some money.
Well, well, well.
What kind of doughnuts do we have in this fine establishment this evening?
How about a jelly fill, right there?
And give me another jelly fill.
And...
Fuck it, throw a bear claw in there too.
Can I just get a refill?
Hold the phone.
- I'm sorry? - You heard me, Mountain.
There's a fucking line here.
Calm down. I just want a refill. I don't want any trouble.
Whoa, hey, I'm calm. You're the maniac who's coming at me all sideways, being like:
"I'm gonna kill you, motherfucker."
Look, I just got out of the joint. I'm trying to turn my life around.
The Lord has shown me another way.
I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't curse.
And I don't want any trouble.
Well, that's too bad, Green Mile, because those are four of my favorite things.
Oh, shit, look at that.
- No, no, no. - Oh, yeah!
Good night.
Good night, sweet prince!
Oh, yeah.
Give me this.
Doughnut mind if I do.
Laugh. That's funny!
Hey, big man. Doughnut mind if I do.
What did you just do? You just killed a guy!
Oh, he'll live.
Him and his anti-Semitic mouth.
Guy was talking about the Lord, you know?
- And I know you're a Jew... - I'm not Jewish.
Shit, dude, he's getting up.
- He's gonna kick your ass. - What? No way!
I'm serious, he's gonna kick your ass. Go, go, man. Go, go.
Jesus, man, go, go!
- Drive, motherfucker! - Don't yell at me.
When I was in there, I smashed a dispenser on his head...
...and I was like, "Doughnut mind if I do."
Doughnut mind if I do!
Oh, God!
Oh, chill out. Chill out.
He just shot my doughnut. Fuck!
You will give us the formula.
Never. Space Baby will save me.
Oh, I'm afraid not, professor.
There is no way Space Baby will get in here.
All we know about Space Baby is that she's from Earth.
She travels the galaxies looking for a one-eyed man...
... who has a briefcase handcuffed to his arm.
And as she travels from planet to planet...
... she rights wrongs and helps the oppressed.
Space Baby, the Jupiterians just kidnapped America's best space scientist.
They'll be expecting you, so you must be extra careful.
We've tapped into their security cameras.
There's a guard in the other room. You must get past him.
Space Baby? How did you get in here?
Space Baby! The gun!
Space Baby, a little help.
Thank you, Space Baby. You saved me.
How do we get out of here?
That way? Fine, go ahead. I'll follow you.
Good work, Space Baby. You saved the professor.
Now drop him off at the space station.
I appreciate you saving me and all, but this is blastedly uncomfortable.
This has been another episode of "Space Baby."
Thank you for tuning in tonight.
I'm Ed Haligan, and I will see you on the Internet.
Whatever the fuck that is.